Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
