So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
