I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
