There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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