I need to stop coming to work sober
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
