My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
