i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this boner is exhausting
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
