there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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