So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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