I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
