The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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