turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
