Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
