I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
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I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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