apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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