Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
