im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
