The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
