I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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