hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
