I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
