thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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