IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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