She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
