I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
