Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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