Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
