rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
