My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
