I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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