Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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