GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
