so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
