You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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