apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
