Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
