i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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