I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
