I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
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Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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