I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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