oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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