Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
