I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
