im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
