Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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