Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
