I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
