I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
