nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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