uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
