Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
