What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
