And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
