you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
