Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
