if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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